when bike dorks get married

monkey on the loose

OK, guys. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure there was a medium-sized monkey on the loose in my neighborhood last night. Take a look:





I mean, seriously, y'all. That ain't no dog. It had LONG TOES.

Ode to my Prizm

Dear Car,

I thought you were a good idea. My old pickup truck was always trying to kill me in the winter, which seemed like a rather unhealthy relationship, so I decided to move on. Consumer Reports said you were a good idea. That MSN car review site said you were a good idea. The mechanic who inspected you before I bought you said you were a good idea. You get twice as many miles to the gallon as my truck did, and never once in our eleven months together have you tried to kill me.

But I fear that you harbor a secret hatred of me. Either that or someone, somewhere, has a voodoo doll in the shape of a 1998 Prizm and a big bucket of pins. It should have been a bad sign the first time I tried to fill your gas tank, and you were like a cranky baby that refuses to eat. I blamed it on the gas pump the first time, but it turned out it was your fault, and unless I buy you a whole new gas tank it will always take 20 minutes to fill you up. Then you got a flat tire. Then you got another flat tire. Then it turned out that the second flat tire was because you needed a whole new wheel. Then I had to buy you a solenoid. I don't even know what that is, but at least yours is shiny and new now. Then I backed you into a parked SUV and made you ugly, and no offense, car, but you were no great shakes to start with. Then your air conditioning started making loud gurgling noises, and every day all summer I wondered if this was the day it was going to die. It's not dead yet, but I'm not optimistic. Then your left turn signal went wonky, and I had to learn how to finesse it just right so that I could change lanes without people honking. Then your check engine light went on, but a couple days later it went off again... only to come back three days after that.... and then turn back off in two days. By this time I was too mad at you to take you in, so it's a good thing the light didn't come back on. Then the Jiffy Lube guy informed me that you had burned up all the oil I gave you. Now you are at the repair shop again because, kind of like when all the lightbulbs in the house burn out at once, most of your spark plugs wore out all at once, making you do a funny little dance when I was trying to drive. I did not think your dance was all that funny, car. Mostly I just think you suck.

So, car, I have a song for you. You may have heard it before. A guy named Adam Sandler wrote it, and I think he may have written it just for you. It goes like this.



Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)
(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear "Hey, watch it asshole"
(You fuckin' piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)
Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(Piece of shit car...)

y'all still readin'?

Gilby says I'm about three weeks away from getting de-linked for not posting, so in order to appease Gilby, I bring you this picture:

legs? LEGS? ........where did you go?

Race Report: Gluek Road Race, August 26, 2006


So yeah, there was a race this weekend. Personally, I pretty much checked out of training after the State Road Race—my training log for July shows that I got on my bike exactly eight times in the entire month—but what the hey, I like road races, so I went.

The thing with not training, though, is it makes you suck, which was readily apparent when we hit “the hill” on the back side of the 12-mile course. Smart positioning could have saved me on this one, but smart positioning is not something I do well, and all the contenders were in front of me. So instead of "doing the drift" like a smart little bike racer, all the backwards drifting I did just opened up a gap. By the time I crested the hill, a group of seven had gotten away.

GW Julee and I worked our asses off trying to catch back on, and for the next half lap the gap at least didn’t get any bigger, but it didn’t get any smaller either. After a while we let them go. By that time, though, we could see that Idaho June had been dropped from the lead pack, so we had a rabbit. We chased her for half a lap…but behind us, a group of three was chasing us, and they caught us. And then we were five.


The five of us (which included my teammate Jess) sat up for a while after that and had a leisurely second trip up the hill, then went back to work chasing June. We caught her halfway through the third and final lap. She was cooked from riding solo in the wind for almost two laps, so she was only with us for fifteen or twenty minutes before dropping off again. The same group of five was still together as we approached the finish.

We could see Penelope riding solo in the distance, but with only two miles to go we had no chance of catching her. I don’t think I had the energy left to chase anyway, even if it had been reasonable—stupidly, Gabriella and I had ridden a WHOLE LAP for warmup, which was excessive for a road race and put my mileage for the day over 50. Fifty miles was perfectly reasonable earlier this spring, but I haven’t done anything over 35 in months. Damn that “not training makes you suck” thing. What a load of crap.

The finish line was a mere hundred yards after the final corner. I may have mentioned my feelings about corners before, no? Well, if you’re just joining us, I corner like an eighteen-wheeler. (Caution: this vehicle makes wide right turns.) I went way too wide on the corner, panicked about the centerline, overcorrected, and lost valuable seconds. By the time I got my shit together and started sprinting, my teammate Jess had a huge gap on me. I very nearly made it up—see the uber-dramatic photo, below—but she got me by a good 8-12 inches. Which was cool, she’s improved a ton this year, she deserved it. Even if she did call me a mean name when she saw how close I was.


So I got 8th. Out of 19. My rockstar teammate Cam took the win AGAIN, cementing her ownership of the cat 4 ROY for this year, and Alix and Maria got 4th and 5th. With Jess in 7th, we still snagged five of the top ten. And it is a pretty darn good thing that so many people are upgrading for next year, because the women’s 1/2/3 race in the afternoon had a grand total of five participants. Don’t worry, guys, we’ll save you!

And now I’ve shaken off the slump and am all rah-rah-let’s-race again, but it’s almost cross season and I don’t have a cross bike so I have to wait until April. The good news is, that gives me almost eight months to get the legs back. (Eight months?! Holy shit. Why did I do that math? Now I’m just sad.) On second thought, maybe I’ll just load up on pumpkin pie. That’s right, folks, Pie Season II is coming very very soon……

taking the "estate sale" concept just a little too far

Weird things happen to me sometimes. Today's weird thing: through no fault of my own, I ended up on eBay looking at human skulls. Yes, you can buy human skulls on eBay. Also entire skeletons if you want to spend a bit more. If any of you are interested, the prime skull store on eBay can be found here.

The guy claims that all his skulls "came from medical school" and are presently located in California. Sounds great, but being the intrepid detective that I am, I read all his feedback and apparently the skulls are shipped with a return address that is mysteriously located in China, and are often crusted with grass and dirt. Plus his store is called "Tibetan Secrets." Medical school in California, my ass. Gotta love eBay.

Anyway, I guess it's not my business if some dude wants to dig up some cemeteries and sell the bones on eBay. Gross and wrong, but not my business. From where I sit, the real entertainment is in the guy's 76 pages of feedback. If any of you are not familiar with eBay, it goes like this: you win your auction, you pay your money, the item arrives, and you and the seller leave each other little comments like GREAT TRANSACTION SUPER DUPER EBAYER!!!!!!! A++++++++++++++++. These comments are then part of your eBay record and everyone can see whether it is safe to do business with you based on other people's experiences. And you get this stuff no matter what it is you're selling.

Some highlights:

The perfect stocking stuffer!

It's always a beautiful day when the skulls arrive!

Two heads ARE better than one!

thanks, this will make a great centerpiece on my dinning room table

this "item" is freaking great!

nice skull, scares everyone at my tattoo shop

Just what the Dr. ordered

Me like skull much. Very enjoyed happy guy.

Outstanding. One for each member of the family.

Very nice item! Keep this guy away from your family plot.

Shipping takes awhile, but hey, its a freakin' human skull!!! Its great, Thanx!

And buried (heh heh, I said "buried") deep amidst the positive comments is one really pissed-off dude:

WHAT A RIP OFF BEEN WAITING OVER A MONTH GUESS HE CANT FIND ANOTHER GRAVE TO ROB

......yeah. Too bad I didn't find this until after my birthday.

testing

here, bloggy bloggy bloggy.... where did you go?