Ode to my Prizm

Dear Car,

I thought you were a good idea. My old pickup truck was always trying to kill me in the winter, which seemed like a rather unhealthy relationship, so I decided to move on. Consumer Reports said you were a good idea. That MSN car review site said you were a good idea. The mechanic who inspected you before I bought you said you were a good idea. You get twice as many miles to the gallon as my truck did, and never once in our eleven months together have you tried to kill me.

But I fear that you harbor a secret hatred of me. Either that or someone, somewhere, has a voodoo doll in the shape of a 1998 Prizm and a big bucket of pins. It should have been a bad sign the first time I tried to fill your gas tank, and you were like a cranky baby that refuses to eat. I blamed it on the gas pump the first time, but it turned out it was your fault, and unless I buy you a whole new gas tank it will always take 20 minutes to fill you up. Then you got a flat tire. Then you got another flat tire. Then it turned out that the second flat tire was because you needed a whole new wheel. Then I had to buy you a solenoid. I don't even know what that is, but at least yours is shiny and new now. Then I backed you into a parked SUV and made you ugly, and no offense, car, but you were no great shakes to start with. Then your air conditioning started making loud gurgling noises, and every day all summer I wondered if this was the day it was going to die. It's not dead yet, but I'm not optimistic. Then your left turn signal went wonky, and I had to learn how to finesse it just right so that I could change lanes without people honking. Then your check engine light went on, but a couple days later it went off again... only to come back three days after that.... and then turn back off in two days. By this time I was too mad at you to take you in, so it's a good thing the light didn't come back on. Then the Jiffy Lube guy informed me that you had burned up all the oil I gave you. Now you are at the repair shop again because, kind of like when all the lightbulbs in the house burn out at once, most of your spark plugs wore out all at once, making you do a funny little dance when I was trying to drive. I did not think your dance was all that funny, car. Mostly I just think you suck.

So, car, I have a song for you. You may have heard it before. A guy named Adam Sandler wrote it, and I think he may have written it just for you. It goes like this.

Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)
(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear "Hey, watch it asshole"
(You fuckin' piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)
Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(Piece of shit car...)