11.09.2006

Ode to my Prizm

Dear Car,

I thought you were a good idea. My old pickup truck was always trying to kill me in the winter, which seemed like a rather unhealthy relationship, so I decided to move on. Consumer Reports said you were a good idea. That MSN car review site said you were a good idea. The mechanic who inspected you before I bought you said you were a good idea. You get twice as many miles to the gallon as my truck did, and never once in our eleven months together have you tried to kill me.

But I fear that you harbor a secret hatred of me. Either that or someone, somewhere, has a voodoo doll in the shape of a 1998 Prizm and a big bucket of pins. It should have been a bad sign the first time I tried to fill your gas tank, and you were like a cranky baby that refuses to eat. I blamed it on the gas pump the first time, but it turned out it was your fault, and unless I buy you a whole new gas tank it will always take 20 minutes to fill you up. Then you got a flat tire. Then you got another flat tire. Then it turned out that the second flat tire was because you needed a whole new wheel. Then I had to buy you a solenoid. I don't even know what that is, but at least yours is shiny and new now. Then I backed you into a parked SUV and made you ugly, and no offense, car, but you were no great shakes to start with. Then your air conditioning started making loud gurgling noises, and every day all summer I wondered if this was the day it was going to die. It's not dead yet, but I'm not optimistic. Then your left turn signal went wonky, and I had to learn how to finesse it just right so that I could change lanes without people honking. Then your check engine light went on, but a couple days later it went off again... only to come back three days after that.... and then turn back off in two days. By this time I was too mad at you to take you in, so it's a good thing the light didn't come back on. Then the Jiffy Lube guy informed me that you had burned up all the oil I gave you. Now you are at the repair shop again because, kind of like when all the lightbulbs in the house burn out at once, most of your spark plugs wore out all at once, making you do a funny little dance when I was trying to drive. I did not think your dance was all that funny, car. Mostly I just think you suck.

So, car, I have a song for you. You may have heard it before. A guy named Adam Sandler wrote it, and I think he may have written it just for you. It goes like this.



Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)
(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear "Hey, watch it asshole"
(You fuckin' piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)
Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(Piece of shit car...)

22 Comments:

Anonymous annie's brother said...

If it makes you feel any better, on my way home from your house, the Escort's timing belt snapped a little short of Champaign-Urbana. (For y'all who don't know, a timing belt plays a major role in getting air into the engine so the fuel can, you know, burn and whatever.) Somehow, this happened withing coasting distance of a rest area near a cell tower. Karma or something. It was a long night for Dad and me. Oh, and a "solenoid" is an electronical whatchamajigger that couples the starter motor shaft to the engine flywheel when the ignition circuit is closed.

11/09/2006 9:25 PM  
Blogger annie said...

Yeah, and unfortunately it turns out it isn't the spark plugs after all. I have lots of shiny new spark plugs, but it took all of half a mile to realize it wasn't any better than it was when I took it in. So back it went.

I heard all about your timing belt incident. That almost happened to my truck once, but the Jiffy Lube guy caught it just in time. He opened the hood, took one look at the engine, and came running into the waiting area to get me. That belt was cracked in so many places, I doubt it would have lasted another week. Sometimes Jiffy Lube guys are useful.

11/09/2006 10:41 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Good to see you posting again!

To be honest, I take a bit of offense to this post. I drive a 1996 Prism (The Geo version; I don't know if the defunct car company was still making them in 1998). I bought it in 2000 when it had but 30,000 miles. Today, it has 150,000, and having driven it from Quebec to Mississipi to Alaska and everywhere inbetween, the only parts it has ever needed are new tires and one set of new brake pads.

I love my car, even if it is a Geo Prism. I defend it adamantly from its society-designated "Piece of Shit" status, but I have to admit that your post made me laugh out loud.

11/09/2006 11:52 PM  
Blogger annie said...

Haha! Sorry, Jill! I know you drive one too, and just to be clear, I only mean MY Prizm is a piece of shit. Prizms in general are supposed to be one of the most reliable small cars out there (for those who don't know, they're the twin to the Toyota Corolla), and that's why I feel so cheated.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD CAR, CAR, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Mine was made after Chevy bought Geo out. It still came off the Corolla assembly line, but maybe the Chevy logo on the back is what's jinxing it...

11/10/2006 7:36 AM  
Blogger Pete said...

You keep referring to it as "car". Perhaps because you haven't named your car you haven't formed the proper emotional bond.

11/10/2006 9:21 AM  
Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

I read this outloud to my wife last night and we both laughed until we cried.

Both of us have had cars like that. I've had several actually...

When do we get to see pictures of the wedding dress?

11/10/2006 10:45 AM  
Blogger annie said...

The wedding dress is TOP SECRET. You don't get to see it until July. The wedding is July 7th and our photographer should have the proofs online a week or so later. I'll link to them, I promise. But you have to wait.

The new diagnosis on the car is that it needs a new "throttle position sensor." Whatever.

11/10/2006 3:34 PM  
Anonymous Mom said...

Adam Sandler writes POETRY???

11/10/2006 5:51 PM  
Blogger annie said...

well, it's a song. I guess I could have posted an audio file, but most of the comments on this blog appear between the hours of 9 and 5, so it didn't seem very considerate.

Maybe I'll name my car "Spanky." Or "Billy-Bob." Nominations are now open.

11/10/2006 6:21 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

Are those taps I hear playing in the distance?

11/11/2006 8:34 PM  
Blogger sydney_b said...

car = money pit

me,i'm getting my ass kicked this month b/c when I bought my latest vehicle, I forgot to figure in the cost of registering the sucker. gov't charged me 7.5% sales tax + the registration fee and wheel tax. dang. The good news is that it does haul down the road pretty smooth, which is good since there are so few races in my own state. Good luck with your all your wheels.

11/20/2006 12:18 PM  
Blogger Shawn Kielty said...

Wow -- you gave up a truck for a Prizmm?

11/21/2006 2:27 AM  
Blogger annie said...

Shawn, you have to understand that up here in the land of icy roads, a rear wheel drive pickup is a good way to get killed. Also, I haul things approximately never, and I was getting fed up with kissing fifty bucks goodbye every time I went to the gas station. I know when I lived down in your neck of the woods a few years ago I would have felt like a freak if I hadn't had a truck, but up here it's the other way around!

11/21/2006 9:10 AM  
Blogger bluecolnago said...

yup. fer shure it's gotta be the chevy emblem. happens all the time! :)

12/02/2006 3:48 PM  
Anonymous annie's brother said...

Hey, icy roads and 2wd pickups! I know all about that! My current job requires me to drive around on roads of varying quality in this dismal rustbucket Chevy pickup with 2wd. Some of these roads, naturally, are icy, including the DRIVEWAY in front of the provided housing at the St. Louis site. Yeah, a couple days ago, it took me about half an hour of hard physical labor to get this thing to move at all. I think they're trying to kill me. I don't even have the option of exchanging this piece of shit for a solenoid-eating Prizm. If someone wants to steal this thing for parts, I'll tell you where it's parked with the doors unlocked every night.

12/09/2006 7:49 PM  
Blogger The donut guy said...

We've had good luck with Subarus for the past 15 years or so. All wheel drive so it's harder to get stuck in the snow.......

12/18/2006 7:35 AM  
Blogger Donimator said...

Buy a HUMMER, Contribute to global warming, so you can have more nice days to ride

12/19/2006 9:47 AM  
Blogger annie said...

Donimator, have you looked outside lately? I think you've already done it, singlehandedly!

12/19/2006 10:02 AM  
Blogger Shawn Kielty said...

Throw a couple of sandbags -- or a prizm -- in the back and shovel the bed full of snow and you're you're good to go.

Other wise just put it in four wheel drive and ...

12/27/2006 1:59 AM  
Anonymous annie's brother said...

Not that anyone cares, but as long as there's nothing else to read here, I offer an addendum to my 2wd truck story. The engine stalled at idle, then made a godawful screech when I tried to restart it. A later attempt to bump start it locked the wheels up entirely, though the starter did turn the engine. But hey, it could be worse-- it could actually be my truck. I called fleet management at my employer, and eight hours later, a wrecker showed up with a shiny new minivan for me. This thing is great-- front wheel drive, interior storage, power steering, intermittent wipers, rear wiper, working display lights, a radio, cupholders, rearview mirror, a floor WITHOUT any gaping holes under the driver's feet, and other luxury items the truck didn't have. This is the best thing that's happened to me since I took this job.

1/06/2007 11:10 PM  
Blogger uncadan8 said...

So is there any prep work going on for the new season? There has to be something to write about! Misery loves company!

1/16/2007 7:17 PM  
Blogger JamiMaria said...

You should have gotten the 97 Prizm. That's what I have. It's never given me any problems. It's ugly as anything, but it runs pretty well.

3/31/2007 3:12 PM  

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