stickin' it to the man

I figured out over the weekend that my health insurance, which gives me a $20 discount off of my monthly gym membership fee if I go often enough, does not actually require that I work out while I'm at the gym. I just have to show up 8 times a month. In fact, I could use my membership card to get past the main gate, walk directly to the vending machine, buy some Pop Tarts, and leave again, and as long as I bought Pop Tarts eight times a month, HealthPartners would give me a discount for being a "healthy person."

I realized this because on Sunday I was at the gym for exactly four and a half minutes. Saturday, after riding the same 55-mile loop as last week, Nate and I decided to go to the gym just to use the hot tub. It was great. We soaked in it for close to 45 minutes and left warm and relaxed, which is not something our water heater at home can accomplish. So on Sunday, after a two-hour run (that damn half-marathon again), we decided to do it again.

We weren't even in it long enough for my butt-cheeks to stop being cold to the touch when the Queen Bitch of the Lifeguards marched up and barked, "Everybody out! Cleaning the hot tub! Right now!" She may even have clapped her hands at us.

And she stood there and kept barking until everyone in the hot tub had gotten up and left. Nate asked her if this was a regular occurrence, if they cleaned the hot tub every Sunday, and she said in her best I'm-the-only-thing-keeping-this-gym-from-bankruptcy voice, "Well, I do. Every Sunday at four."

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but if you were to clean the hot tub once a week, wouldn't it make more sense to do it, say, Tuesday at 10 AM, when there aren't twelve people using it?

So I went back into the locker room, having been gone approximately three minutes. The same scrawny, dessicated old woman was still parading around naked with shampoo in her hair. I hadn't even been in the hot tub long enough for her to get around to rinsing it.

I was pretty pissed, seeing as I'd gone there just to use the hot tub, and since I'd just run for two hours I didn't really want to swim laps or anything, so in this case it was obviously the Man that stuck it to me and not the other way around. I didn't even buy any Pop Tarts. BUT, I came to the valuable realization that while I wasn't even there five minutes, I still got insurance credit for working out. HealthPartners, I own you. And you can bet your sweet ass that this summer, not one of my eight visits per month will be spent exercising. Take that.

(Judging from the girth of the other people in the hot tub, however, I do not think I was the first person to realize this. I'm just late to the party. Oh well, better late than never.)


Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

Excellent! When do we get pictures?

Speaking of pictures... how is the Pepsi Bike? I'm sure it is doing fine and you will have pictures of it soon. I feel pretty confident about that...

1/16/2006 6:38 PM  
Blogger annie said...

Pictures of what, Tim? Pop Tarts? The fat people in the hot tub? The shrivelled-up naked woman in the locker room? Your expectations for this blog exceed the limits of my journalistic integrity, I fear.

1/16/2006 7:52 PM  
Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

I just wnat photos. That's all... you make me sound creepy... not that I'm not, but that is beside the point.

Pepsi Bike?

1/16/2006 10:47 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

Reading this post caused an ugly flashback. I used to belong to a health club, and there was a pot-bellied Asian guy who would shaving cream over his entire face. Forehead and everything. Then he seemed to walk around naked for a while. As if he had errands to run within the locker room. I have no idea what he was doing, but that dude really creeped me out.

Unfortunately, I never witnessed him shaving. I sort of wanted to see what he did with his forehead.

1/17/2006 12:12 AM  
Blogger Gilby said...

Yeah, I used to go to the campus rec center to "run", though it was really to use the steam room. Then the steam room was out of order for at least a month. Since I really didn't like running in the first place, and it didn't appear that the steam room was going to be fixed, I quit going altogether.

1/18/2006 9:24 AM  
Blogger Caloi-Rider said...

I'm glad you already know how to get your revenge, Annie. Stick it to him good. And then get that glorified poolwoman fired for being a dork. (You can get fired for that can't you?)
I still think you should can the half-marathon and do a half-Ironman instead. Just my opinion.

1/18/2006 4:57 PM  
Blogger annie said...

Caloi-rider, just to catch you up (since I know you're new to the blog and all), I can barely swim. I appreciate your faith in me, but I am not going to doggie-paddle a half-Ironman, as fun as that might be. Besides, the half-marathon is less than two weeks away now. I want to get this thing over with, and I sincerely hope there are no events involving swimming this time of year.

The word verification thing just gets better and better. Today's word is rumpivmv.

1/23/2006 2:28 PM  

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