1.10.2006

lady velo, doper extraordinnaire


So yesterday in my mailbox I received a catalog. This is not exactly news, since as near as I can tell catalogs make up about 75% of all the mail being delivered in the United States at any given time, but this was no ordinary catalog. Oh no, my pets, this was the catalog to end all my miseries forever. It calls itself the Vitamin Shoppe.

I checked the back. Yep, that's my name on the address label. Where these people found me, I may never know, but I suspect Rodale Press. In any case, I immediately assumed that the "vitamins" in question were probably the same "vitamins" Barry Bonds and the entire Russian powerlifting team are so fond of. Call me cynical, whatever.

The first few pages were pretty tame. It gradually sucked me in with known gateway drugs like Gu and PowerGel, but oh, did it get better fast. Some of the more tempting options:

Secretagogue-One

Secretagogue GOLD!

Stallone Pudding

No-Xplode

Of course, there weren't quite enough varieties of HGH to fill up the whole catalog, so after a while the good stuff disappeared and the pages were instead filled with actual vitamins and weird new-agey things, including an entire page of "mushroom formulas." Oh, and banana flavored protein bars. I throw up a little just thinking about it.

All's I can say is it's a damn good thing I haven't mailed my order for this year's team kit yet, because I will now be ordering everything in Extra Beefy. You fools are toast.

7 Comments:

Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

BEEFCAKE!

Just don't forget to wax the mustache and get rid of all the pimples on your back before the first race of the year. I can remember training with a guy who raced the track with me. He suddenly started lifting 200 pounds more than I could and we were always even. He was frequently pissed off and flew into "rages" over nothing. One day when he was rolling down the top of his skinsuit after a sprint workout at the track, I noticed that his back was completely covered with pimples... I'll bet his wang shrank and his nads were swollen too... but I didn't check.

Good luck with the doping... I mean training this winter.

1/10/2006 5:34 PM  
Blogger Tom Stormcrowe said...

Oral HGH? I'd think your stomach acid would destroy it before any effect could be gained. Normally that's administered either through the skin(Transdermal Patch) or by injection subcutaneously or IM.

1/10/2006 6:14 PM  
Blogger annie said...

OK, you got my curiosity up, so I googled this "secretagogue" stuff to see what it was. (Stallone Pudding was actually some sort of protein sludge, and lord only knows what No-Xplode is. The Secretagogue was the one claiming to be HGH.) And the catalog didn't specify how it was administered. Really, the catalog didn't even specify what it was. Here is one blurb I found:

What is Secretagogue-One?

Secretagogue-One™ is a breakthrough in natural hormonal manipulation. Years of research by leading scientists, biochemists and anti-aging specialists led to the development of this revolutionary dietary supplement.

Secretagogue-One™ is a natural dietary supplement designed to support your body in releasing more of its own Human Growth Hormone (HGH). Secretagogue-One™ uses HGH precursors, with a pharmaceutical grade glucose polymer and effervescent delivery system, to trigger your pituitary gland to release more Growth Hormone.


So I guess it's not actually HGH itself, it's something that prods your body into making HGH. I dunno. If nothing else, the "effervescent delivery system" ought to be enough to scare you off.

1/11/2006 9:47 AM  
Anonymous suthsc said...

Sounds like a HGH-soda! MMMMM.. *picture super smiling advertising model* "nice and tasty.. with bubbles..." ;)

1/11/2006 10:09 AM  
Anonymous stan said...

That stuff sounds a lot like the ads in the back of pr0b magazines for 'spanish fly supplant' and such. The copy makes it sound like it's something, while a literal reading shows that it's not.

And the most annoying thing about this for me is that all my life I've gotten pimples on my back, and I don't even get superhuman strength in return for it.

1/11/2006 3:24 PM  
Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

Stan- Sorry about the pimples. Pimple should always come with superhuman strength.

1/11/2006 6:59 PM  
Anonymous BIG Mike said...

I raced with a guy who would take a bunch of sinus tablets before the race. Pseudo-ephidrine, man. It didn't help. At all. Ever.

1/15/2006 2:01 PM  

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