3.23.2006

i'm super, thanks for asking


Yesterday in the mail I got one of those "four years of tuition was just the tip of the iceberg, sucka, send us more money please" letters from my fine alma mater. Those guys are getting quite sneaky there in the money-grubbing office. For the peer-pressure angle, they listed the names of everyone in my graduating class who has donated money in the last six months, as well as the rough amount that they donated. Two of the guys that lived on my floor freshman year seem to have made it big, judging by the fact that their donations each roughly equaled one of my paychecks, and while one of them was clearly a computer genius from the beginning (but he borrowed my fishnet stockings once, and wore them, and I have photographic evidence), I cannot figure out for the life of me what this other doofus did to get himself that much money. I mean, this is the guy who occupied himself by wandering into my friend's dorm room uninvited and opening her underwear drawer to see what was inside. The world is just not fair.

Anyway, apparently they were concerned that the peer pressure angle wouldn't be enough, so they came up with a second incentive: Superhero Status! In order to be a Superhero, you have to a) donate twice as much as you donated last year, and b) put the little superhero sticker on your donation form. Now, I wouldn't mind being a superhero. Hell, I spend enough time in spandex already, all I need is a cape and I'm good to go. And last year I donated exactly no money, and twice as much as zero is still zero, so I am considering putting the sticker on the form and mailing it in with no money. Super!

Superhero this, assholes. I ain't donating a cent until my annual salary exceeds your annual tuition.

23 Comments:

Blogger Caloi-Rider said...

THAT was an entertaining post. Thanks for the laugh. We usually give $10 or so to the college collections agency when they send us a letter. I guess I could stand to be a little more generous, eh?

3/23/2006 5:25 PM  
Blogger Shawn Kielty said...

Chuckle. Hehe. Very nice -- ladyvelo, superhero.

3/23/2006 9:31 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

Hilarious post. I can relate. Not only does Arizona State University track me down for solicitations, but my tiny little high school in the Midwest found me a few months ago and hit me up for a donation to help send the band somewhere.

This is a small school. My graduating class had 42 people in it. Forty-two! Where do they get the resources to find me?

I graduated 25 years ago and have had multiple addresses in three states since I left, but they can find me to ask for a check.

I almost sent a check in admiration for their tenacity. Then I forgot about it.

I saw "American Pie." I know what those kids do at band camp.

3/24/2006 2:11 AM  
Blogger annie said...

Tim, I went to band camp, and while I am reasonably sure that the flute thing was purely fiction, I can also tell you that there are more things to do in a practice room than actually practice. But you're not even talking about band camp, you're talking about band trips! That is a whole nother kettle of fish, my friend. You think Desperate Housewives is salacious, you should see the inside of a band trip bus sometime. Friendships are forged and broken, hearts are shattered, rumors are started, passes are made and rejected (and try avoiding each other on a BUS for the next two days), and occasionally long-simmering situations will finally boil over and a girl who shall remain nameless will stand up in the middle of the bus aisle while hurtling down the interstate and bellow, "YOU HAVE ASKED ME OUT NINE TIMES AND I HAVE TOLD YOU NO NINE TIMES! THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. IF I HEAR 'PLEASE' OUT OF YOUR UGLY MOUTH ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT. AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE, AFTER NINE NO'S WHERE DID YOU GET THE IDEA THAT ATTEMPTING TO KISS ME IN A BOWLING ALLEY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE WAS GOING TO HELP YOUR CASE? GET A FUCKING CLUE!" (That was me. The whole bus applauded.)

I'd send 'em all the money I could spare, right away. God, if my life was even half that interesting any more.....

3/24/2006 9:21 AM  
Anonymous andy said...

yup, band trips, gotta love them. drinking, underage sex, cigarette smoking, porn...

and then our plane finally took off from MSP to go to florida after 3 missed attempts because a french horn was stuck in the cargo door.

Never mind what actually happened when they turned us loose on Disney World.

3/24/2006 10:32 AM  
Blogger annie said...

At least you got to FLY to Disney World. We DROVE there. In a bus. 24 hours each way.

But cigarettes? Really? Only the drummers ever smoked in our band. The rest of us kind of needed our lungs to be in good working order.

Wait a minute, when did you go to Disney? Was it for some kind of big-ass competition thing? Maybe we were there at the same time, small friggin' world.

3/24/2006 10:39 AM  
Blogger Caloi-Rider said...

I just want you to know that I went for my Clif Bar refill today and I initially grabbed a Luna bar as well. That is, until I looked down at the package and saw the "Luna, the whole nutrition bar for WOMEN" I just couldn't work up the gumption. Maybe next time.

3/24/2006 10:44 AM  
Blogger annie said...

Aw, Caloi, you wuss. Eat the Luna bars. Do not fear the pink wrapper. You can pretend you're buying them for your wife, if you are not secure enough in your manliness to admit to the world, "I am man enough to eat these pink-wrapped girly-bars and still be manner than you'll ever be!" You can do it!

3/24/2006 11:00 AM  
Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

Band camp/ trips; our director turned down a free trip to Jamaica because we "weren't ready"! People really do pass out when they locks their knees. Makes a lot of noise when you are a bass drummer or tri-tom player too! Ever tried to pick up a brass instrument that has been sitting in 98 degree Alabama summer sun for 3 hours? I still have scars from that. The year I got to 8th grade, we all got promoted to the senior high marching band to help fill up the football field for competitions. I was alto sax... and ended up winning the 1st chair spot. The seniors really hated that, so my bony ass got good at fighting... once they caught me. After a football game against one of our rivals, an away game, we stopped at a local McD's. Our team won and these guys were pissed off! Of course a fight broke out and I got thrown through the front window onto the street. I went back in and broke the guy's jaw with my sax case! Good times...

Luna Bars; my estrogen levels appear to be normal, even after consuming hundreds of the damn things. However, my man breasts are a bit more "shapely" now... Hmmm...

3/24/2006 11:46 AM  
Blogger annie said...

Damn, Tim, you win for drama. Nobody broke anybody's jaw in my band. Perhaps I didn't realize that I had a choice between regular band and thug band.

And further investigation has revealed that Andy and I were, in fact, band-nerding it up at Disney World at the same time. If anybody cared.

Tim (Masi Tim, that is... damn, where do all these Tims come from?), the Luna bar conversation is carry-over from Caloi's blog, where he is apparently afraid to admit just how close he came to buying one, so he had to say it here instead. Wuss!

3/24/2006 12:02 PM  
Anonymous Stan said...

Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one refusing to give money to my alma mater. When I graduated I took a solemn vow that would *never* give them any money. I'm coming up on 24 years now, and I've managed to keep it at a consistent $0 yearly.

3/24/2006 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Mom said...

Annie, didn't someone (I'm speculating, maybe even the same guy you put down in front of everybody...) pull a knife on someone on a band bus once? Sheesh, the most "fun" I can remember from my days on band buses was singing "Amster, Amster, DAM DAM DAM" at the top of our lungs. Because it was the only way we could get away with saying That Word. (That was only junior high, though.)

3/24/2006 12:28 PM  
Blogger annie said...

Oh right, I'd forgotten that. I don't think I was there for that incident, so I can't report on it. But yes, band was one big never-ending soap opera. I miss those days. There is no scandal in my life any more.

3/24/2006 12:38 PM  
Blogger Caloi-Rider said...

Hey now, nobody's asking you to start chugging testosterone. We'll see how you like it when you're growing a mustache, or has that already happened?

3/24/2006 12:39 PM  
Blogger annie said...

No, but I did borrow Nate's "Won't Wash Testosterone Away!" man-soap a couple times and nothing happened.

3/24/2006 12:41 PM  
Blogger Pete said...

Curse you and your co-ed dormitories. /lutheran college graduate

And I went to Disney for band as well. Probably a little before you and Andy tho. Way back when, in '87

3/24/2006 12:44 PM  
Blogger Caloi-Rider said...

Maybe that's a sign, eh? (insert internationally-recognized sarcasm symbol)

3/24/2006 1:25 PM  
Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

I aim to entertain... my life is one big cautionary tale...

3/24/2006 4:29 PM  
Blogger the old bag said...

'79...no Disney trips for me, but we did get to go to Wilmar...or LeSeur...something. I DO remember the skinnydipping in the hotel pool during a college band/choir trip.....

3/24/2006 8:33 PM  
Blogger the old bag said...

re: the Luna/Clif issue -- gave a guy friend an odd look after he admitted to eating Luna bars. His response: "hey, the wrapper's got naked women dancing in the moonlight -- how can I not?!"

3/24/2006 8:36 PM  
Blogger Bobster said...

The only scandal I remember was from our senior trip. Besides all the f'ing around that was going on one day we went to a church that was a replica of the basilica at Notre Dame (not the university) and since the folks at the church wanted to relate to this group of American kids from the American School in Rio they played "If you think I'm sexy and you want my body come on baby let me know" by Rod Stewart on the public address system. Being a proud Jesus Freak, that simply would not do! No fights though, that I could remember.
BTW just thought you ought to know going out for 90 something in 32 degree weather in South Texas later on. Based on the temps when y'all were here for Hell Week I had already put my cold weather sh!t away. Oh Well! We'll see if my buddies wimp out one more time. Oh I almost forgot, I ended up with 200 less than you guys up in K'ville, but nevertheless 300 is a good number for this Boy from Brasil. The third caloi rider on the net.

3/25/2006 5:18 AM  
Blogger annie said...

I am very amused to discover the obviously strong band geek/bike geek connection. I wonder what it means....

3/25/2006 9:38 AM  
Blogger Bobster said...

I am convinced that as ex band/choir or whatever members we are better more well-rounded individuals that are smart, but yet enjoy the thrills of riding fast.

3/28/2006 6:14 AM  

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